It’s Not About You: Overcoming Self-Consciousness

The Simple Key to Conquering Shyness and Developing Social Grace.

Growing up, it’s safe to say that you could have described me as shy. At times, I’d probably also add socially awkward – at least, I thought so. Paradoxically however, despite my enlarged sense of self-consciousness, I loved singing and performing. 

Whenever I would get ready for a performance – frantically memorizing lyrics and drilling in every note – my nerves would always build up. I’d start to worry I wouldn’t be good enough. My mother would observe this, and she always had the same response: “It’s not about you.” She’d tell me to stop focusing on myself so much, and added, “Just sing with your heart.” I usually retorted that “my heart” wouldn’t teach me the notes I needed to sing. I was annoyed by her seemingly insensitive advice. But after some time, I’d usually realize that she was right. And every time I was able to apply this understanding, it changed my performances. 

“It’s not about you.”

Why did that one phrase make such a difference? Sure, I still needed to make sure I learned the song. And no, it didn’t magically remove all my doubts about the performance – I could still miss a note or forget a lyric. But it changed my focus. When a performance stopped being about me, it became about the people with whom I got to share my gift. And the thing is, whenever I was able to redirect my focus onto others, I usually didn’t make as many mistakes anyways because I was less focused on the potential problems. If I did make a mistake, I recovered much more gracefully because I didn’t dwell on it. 

As I grew older, I learned that the key phrase, “It’s not about you” didn’t just apply to performances. Turns out, it also helped me to learn to stop being so self-conscious in social situations. When I started to finally realize that my social interactions at a party, in the classroom, or anywhere else were not about me – everything changed. It became so much easier to navigate social situations and approach people. In fact, I’d easily consider social interactions a strength of mine now.

So, let’s dive into the core mindset that can help you overcome self-consciousness. 

How to Stop Being So Self-Conscious 

There are dozens of recommendations online for curing shyness and forms of social anxiety: breathwork, improving self-confidence, therapy, etc. Those can all be helpful in their own right, but I find that often-times, they overlook the heart of the problem for many of us. The fact is, in many social situations, when we’re feeling self-conscious or shy, the problem is that we’re focusing on ourselves.

‘Will I say the right thing?’, ‘What if I embarrass myself?’, ‘I feel so awkward.”  We’re fixated on how others will perceive us and what they’ll think about us.

But the reality is, others are just as focused on themselves as you tend to be on yourself. But what would your experience be like, if instead of thinking about yourself, you directed your attention to how other people are feeling? Imagine going to a party, and instead of thinking about what people will think about you, you see someone off in a corner and think, “How can I make them feel included?” Or you’re in a conversation and consider, “How can I learn more about them?”. When you’re thinking about others and their experience, you can’t also think about yourself and how awkward you feel.

This is the key to social grace. Whether you’re a host or just attending a party – come in with the mindset of focusing on others. How can you make someone else feel comfortable? What can you learn about this person’s experiences, thoughts, or work? Not only will this approach make others feel more at ease around you, but you’ll naturally feel less awkward and self-conscious.

This video by Live on Purpose TV has an interesting breakdown of how our social relationships are impacted depending on who and what we choose to focus on. I recently discovered this channel and am enjoying the concrete insights he shares that can help you reframe how you perceive common situations in your own life. 

Learn to Laugh at Yourself

But what if you do say something kind of embarrassing? Or make a joke no one laughs at? Or maybe you approach someone, and they don’t notice you?

The simple answer is – don’t take yourself so seriously. Learn to brush off these experiences and find the humor in the situation. When we take ourselves too seriously, we overanalyze and over emphasize the importance of things. We’re trying to control the situation and we become less flexible in our ability to roll with the punches. 

If you can make light of a situation and laugh at yourself, everything becomes easier. It allows you to be more present to the moment and even makes you more relatable. People enjoy being around others who don’t take themselves too seriously because it puts them at ease as well. So, find the humor and enjoy yourself.

The truth of the matter is that everyone’s far too busy thinking about themselves to think about you and remember your embarrassing moments anyways. We all can come up with that embarrassing thing we said that one time 5 years ago. But can you recall that embarrassing thing someone else did 5 years ago? What about 1 year ago? No? Didn’t think so.

So, take a risk and even if something doesn’t go the way you hoped it would, laugh it off. Remember: It’s not about you.

Making a ‘Gift’ of Yourself

If, despite your best effort, you still struggle with the idea of taking yourself less seriously, and remain concerned about embarrassing yourself, I have one last insight to share that has helped me. Consider how you can make a ‘gift’ of yourself to others. 

My husband has recently started giving presentations. Public speaking is a fairly new space for him, and most recently, he gave a presentation on his work to high schoolers. He spent a lot of time preparing and rehearsing and found himself getting stressed as it was coming up. When I saw him getting worked up, I passed on the same advice: “It’s not about you.” I tried to remind him why he was presenting in the first place: to inform and inspire students to explore new options. The best way he could do this was by focusing on them and what value he could provide them. He said this really helped shift his perspective, as well as the energy he brought to the presentation. 

Sometimes, we might not be willing to put ourselves out there for our own sake, but we’re willing to do it for others’ sake. It’s the same when we’re interacting with others. We may feel inadequate or out of our depth. But if we can recognize that we can give ourselves as a gift – even in those moments where we feel shaken – and focus on others, it can change everything. Embarrassment becomes less significant. Your emotions are less important. It’s all about how you can show up for others at that moment. And to be quite honest – it takes quite a weight off of your shoulders. 

Developing Social Grace

If you can learn to shift your focus to others instead of yourself, you’ll find that you have discovered the core of social grace. It will help you immensely when interacting with others and is a great framework for going through life.

That being said, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to grow your confidence and social skills to boost your ability to navigate social situations with ease. If you’re interested in doing this, here are a few resources that can be helpful. 

A recent article about Feminine Communication provides a high-level overview of the basics of communication behaviors that will help you connect with others, convey confidence and command respect. Many of these behaviors are not exclusive to women, but do emphasize the specific natural strengths of women, or provide a more feminine manner of dealing with a variety of situations. 

Additionally, the book How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie provides excellent insight into developing social grace. In it, he does an excellent job of using stories to show how we can develop connections and friendships by developing genuine interest in others.

Have you ever struggled with overcoming self-consciousness? What helped you? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.